Coach Review: Star Wars Edition
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In an effort to keep you both informed and amused, Puck That Hit has compiled a list we’re certain has never been done. Using equal parts hockey savvy and sci-fi geekiness, we’ve listed the NHL head coaches from all 30 teams and assigned them a Star Wars character based on their record, history, talent, and — of course — personality.
See all 30 coaches after the jump!
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Wedge Antilles |
 RandyCarlyleHere’s the guy that does all the grunt work only to see someone else (Brian Burke) take the glory. |
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Jar Jar Binks |
 Don WaddellA loser on every level. His demise is wished universally. |
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R2-D2 |
 Claude JulienNo matter what feats this guy pulls off, this guy never gets respect. Sports a shiny dome. |
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Han Solo |
 Lindy RuffLuck is always on his side. Often appears defenseless… never tell him the odds. |
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Darth Vader |
 Mike KeenanInspires fear, and sometimes gets results. Rumor has it he’s a big softy inside. |
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Jedi Luke Skywalker |
 Peter LavioletteHas won it all, but has fallen into ineffectiveness later in career. |
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Wicket, the Ewok |
 Denis SavardSmall, feisty, up for a fight, but just not hero material. |
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Ki-Adi-Mundi |
 Joel QuennevilleOf good coaching stock, has tasted victory, is respected, but very much under the radar. Rarely without his trademark moustache. |
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Nien Nunb |
 Ken HitchcockWas in the right place at the right time (Dallas/with Lando in the Falcon) when their defining moment occurred. Not done a hell of a lot since. |
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General Grievous |
 DaveTippett What’s the opposite of a good motivator? Has one last chance to do a good job. |
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Young Obi Wan |
 MikeBabcockShows great promise, but hasn’t yet proven himself. |
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Lando |
 Craig MacTavishHas had lots of past success, charming and charismatic, yet with a temper. |
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Moisture Vaporator |
 Jacques MartinEmotionless, uninventive, complete lack of creativity. Found in warm climates. |
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Older Ben Kenobi |
 Marc CrawfordHas proven himself at the highest levels, but is now in purgatory for some reason. |
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Admiral Ackbar |
 Jacques LemaireHas battle scars and many conquests, but his grumpiness is upsetting the next generation. Note: It’s a trap!! |
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Jango Fett |
 Guy CarbonneauA once proud warrior that is desperately trying to recreate old glories. |
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Carbonite Solo |
 Barry TrotzA veritable fixture that has done little more than a hatrack. |
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Young Luke |
 Brent Sutter Comes from excellent stock, but is still very much unproven. |
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Qui Gon Jin |
 Ted NolanTalented and an excellent motivator. Often misunderstood by higher-ups. |
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Nute Gunray |
 Renney, TomA model of consistent failure. Has always had the right tools to get the job done, but fucks it up. |
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Emperor Palpatine |
 Brian MurrayIf you want something done properly, do it yourself. Hates young, cocky upstarts. |
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Young Anakin
|
 John StevensA real rookie. Untested and unknown. |
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Boba Fett |
 Wayne GretzkyHasn’t actually done a hell of a lot but he’s a goddamn legend. |
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Watto |
 Michel TherrienDisgruntled, irritable and hasn’t accomplished shit. Unpleasant to look at. |
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Clone Trooper |
 Ron WilsonDoesn’t know what he’s doing but he looks like a coach so no one notices. |
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C3-PO
|
 Andy MurrayEntrusted with some of the most difficult tasks despite a near constant string of failures. |
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Older Anakin |
 John TortorellaHas shown himself powerful but is now letting his anger get the best of him. |
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Bib Fortuna |
 Paul Maurice Weak-minded yes-man to higher powers (MLSE). Unable to inspire. Lives at his master’s whim. |
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Greedo |
 Alain VigneaultIs confident, and has a long list of excuses, but has never produced shit. |
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Chewbacca |
 Bruce BoudreauFriendly, quick to praise, but nasty temper. Hangs out with the hottest star. |
|
Yoda |
Honorable Mention: Scotty Bowman Knows what he’s talking about, revered everywhere by everyone. |
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March 25th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
This is god damn brilliant!
March 26th, 2008 at 1:26 am
That is so funny especialy the sharks coach
March 26th, 2008 at 3:00 am
i have never seen something so amazing in my life…each one is better then the next….big ups to bowman at the end…n i hate detriot
March 26th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Brilliant! I’m pretty sure Bowman plays for the Dark side though… a better Darth or emperor. Lando might better fit Quenville, always fired up and overconfident with his decisions and all powerful stache.
March 26th, 2008 at 11:43 am
ROFLMAO!
I had a friend email me this link…he swears I wrote it ;)
March 26th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Martin as a Moisture Vaporator… absolutly Gold!!!
March 26th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Excellent, sir. I salute you!
March 26th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Just fantastically entertaining! And, the analogies were spot-on!
March 27th, 2008 at 2:23 am
Two of my favorite things in one shot!! Star Wars and hockey!!! And my hometown coach is compared to my on of my favorite characters. Gretzky and Boba Fett, well it’s true on most accounts.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I haven’t read anything this brilliant in a long time. I especially like the notes on Ted Nolan, who is one of the best.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Brilliant! Boudreau’s was perfect, as was Torts.
March 29th, 2008 at 7:45 am
the rangers star wars character is messed up. tom renney has done a great job with the lines. he is not a failure. LET’S GO RANGERS!!!
March 30th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Laugh out loud funny. Jacques Martin as a moisture vaporator…that is SO FUNNY! Michel Therien as Watto! I’ve been saying for years he is the ugliest thing on TV!
Good job.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
IT’S A TRAP. That was brilliance.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:44 am
YES! Love it!!!!! THIS IS SO FUNNY! What could be better than hockey and star wars! rotfl…..
April 21st, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Dont you guys think that Barry Trotz should be Jaba just on looks alon?
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Babcock all wrong i like as greedo
the rest alright.ingenius to think of.
awesome with yoda and bowman dead on!