10 Best Names in Hockey

In case you’ve been yearning to know Puck That Hit’s best names in hockey, well today is your lucky day!

These silly lists usually pop up at some point in the season, but we haven’t seen one yet. So we thought we’d fire the first volley of silliness.

Without any further fanfare, he is our list of the 10 Best Names in the NHL (this season):

10
Jarkko Ruutu (Penguins)
This name has to be considered the hockey equivalent of “KAAHHHHNNNNNN!” I’m sure it has already been yelled a hundred times by freshly-elbowed players on the bench.

9
Guillaume Latendresse (Canadiens)
Loosely translated, he is Will The Tenderness. Once Guy Carbonneau finally benches him for good, keep an eye out for him in the adult section of your video store. Oh dear… that section?

8
Kyle Calder (Kings)
Kyle wins for the prototypical hockey name. Man, wouldn’t that have been great if he won the Calder Cup and the Calder trophy as a rookie? The headline would read, “Calder wins the Calder, then the Calder.” Ok, it sounded better in my head. Shut up.

7
TIE — Jonathan Cheechoo (Sharks) & Jordin Tootoo (Predators)
I don’t know, maybe it’s the 5-year old in us, but every time you hear these names, aren’t you imagine a little choo-choo train puffing down the tracks. Cute!

6
Wes Walz (Wild)
Recently retired, Wes Walz is also rumored to have a Disney/Pixar animated movie made about his career titled “Infirmary Inc.” Ugh. That was bad. “Scars”? “Rata-blewie-his-knee-a”? Ok, I’ll stop. I apologize.

5
Maxim Afinogenov (Sabres)
I have no idea on the Russian origins of this name, but I just like to believe it loosely translates to, “OMG look how fast he’s coming down on the wing.” Or something like that.

4
Junior Lessard (Lightning)
Not only is he junior, but he’s less. The fact that this guy ever managed to get a point in the NHL with that inferiority complex and the odds so stacked against him is no small miracle.

3
Matt Moulson (Kings)
Any guy with the name Moulson (Molson) in an alliteration no less, was bred for hockey. Pure and Simple. In the coming years we can look forward to Larry Labatt, Buddy Budweiser, and Shingoa Schlitz (from Japan, of course).

2
Tim Conboy (Hurricanes)
Having played only one game for the Canes so far, Tim Conboy has all the penalty minutes you’d expect from someone who sports a much, much cooler version of the name “Prison Biatch.”

and…

1
Cal Clutterbuck (Wild)
Having only played two games for this season so far, this guy is an announcer’s dream. I’d give anything to hear a play-by-play guy say, “Back to the point. From Foster to Fedoruk, to Clutterbuck, to Foy, he scores!!!”
Cuz, you know… he might say a bad word…

If you have any honorable mentions, feel free to comment below!